15 Funny Quotes About Motherhood From Ali Wong

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Ali Wong doesn’t shrink back from getting actual about parenthood.

The comic has spoken brazenly about her experiences with being pregnant and parenting in her Netflix specials, “Child Cobra” and “Exhausting Knock Spouse.” Wong has two daughters along with her husband, Justin Hakuta.

In honor of her birthday, listed below are 15 humorous quotes about motherhood from Wong.

On Childbirth

“A number of ladies tried to freak me out. They tried to freak me out about childbirth by saying, ‘Ali, do you know that you just’re gonna poop on the desk?’ I used to be like, ‘Yeah, I sit up for it.’ I’m all backed up from holding in my shit at work. I can’t wait to cleanse. It is smart, like, that you just ― that that occurs as a result of once you’re in labor, you push, you push, you push, and your husband will probably be requested to help within the labor by lifting up your leg, which subsequently turns right into a tender serve lever. You simply shit on the ground in entrance of the love of your life. And simply once you suppose that’s sufficient to make him lastly go away you, increase, a child comes out, and he gotta keep. That’s the true miracle of life, proper there.”

On Double Requirements For Mothers And Dads

“I can already see how there’s, like, this loopy double customary in our society of the way it takes so little to be thought of an important dad. And it additionally takes so little to be thought of a shitty mother. Individuals reward my husband for coming to all of my physician’s appointments with me. ‘Oh, my God. I can’t imagine he involves all of your physician’s appointments. He’s so supportive.’ Guess who else has to go to these physician appointments: Me! I’m the star of the present. There’s nothing for the digital camera to see if I’m not there. However he’s the hero for enjoying Sweet Crush whereas I get my blood drawn.”

On Mother Teams

“I joined a brand new mother group in Los Angeles. I don’t discover any of those bitches notably attention-grabbing or enjoyable, however once you’re a brand new mother on maternity go away it’s likeThe Strolling Lifeless,’ you’ve simply gotta hook up with a crew to outlive. I used to hate on different mothers for the garments that they wore, you recognize, all of the cheesy-ass animal print and loud metallic shiny footwear, and now I see one thing that’s bedazzled in rhinestones and I’m like ‘oh that appears good, I feel I’m gonna get that,’ as a result of once you’re a mother you want sparkle to compensate for the sunshine within you that has died.”

On Postpartum

“No person advised me about all of the loopy shit that comes out of your pussy after you give start. You understand what occurs after the newborn comes out? You understand what else exits? Her home. Her lounge, her pillows… the Bob Marley poster … All of the meals that went unhealthy in her fridge … for months! So then you must put on this cartoonishly massive pad. That’s like the scale of a toddler mattress, and it’s solely held up by the energy of this mesh fishnet underwear that’s completely accessible on the hospital. You’ll be able to’t get that shit on Amazon or something, so that you gotta snatch that shit day-after-day. It’s made out of the identical materials that they bundle fancy Korean pears in. It’s very Dac Biet, OK? Primary additional massive Dac Biet hospital underwear. For 3 months, I used to be strolling round my home with a prime knot, big diaper, nipples bleeding. Like a defeated sumo wrestler.”

On Breastfeeding Struggles

“Giving start ain’t nothing in comparison with breastfeeding! Breastfeeding is brutal. It’s power bodily torture. I believed it was alleged to be this stunning bonding ceremony, the place I might really feel like I used to be sitting on a lily pad in a meadow and bunnies would collect at my ft whereas the fats Hawaiian man model of ‘Someplace Over the Rainbow’ would play. No! It’s not like that in any respect! Breastfeeding is that this savage ritual that simply reminds you that your physique is a cafeteria now! It don’t belong to you no extra. When my child woman would get hungry, she’d yank my nipple forwards and backwards like that bear fucking up Leonardo DiCaprio in ‘The Revenant.’ It’s horrifying. I noticed that film, and my nipples had been like, ‘I really feel you, Leo!’ I didn’t take any courses on breastfeeding as a result of I simply assumed it was going to be this very simple intuitive factor the place the newborn sucks in your nipple like a straw. … However apparently, you must get the newborn to latch on at a really particular angle. You gotta tilt their head and do geometry to get them on correctly. And it’s very hectic as a result of once they’re hungry they usually’re crying it makes your hormones spray milk throughout their face and their neck, which then turns into very slippery and arduous to grip, and you then gotta slam them on at simply the fitting time, and each time I might do it, it was like parallel parking. I don’t understand how I did it! It’s a thriller. I used to be by no means correctly skilled, however I simply did it.”

On Stability

“Lots of people wish to ask me, ‘Ali, how on earth do you stability household and profession?’ Males by no means get requested that query. As a result of they don’t … however the requirements for dads are so low that they get a lot reward for doing so little. My husband often adjustments diapers, and when folks hear that, ‘Oh my God.’ Confetti in all places! ‘I can not imagine that your husband adjustments diapers! What a doting trendy father. Fortunate you!’ When my child woman was first born, I might do skin-on-skin contact day-after-day to bond along with her. She shit on my chest. The place’s my confetti at?”

On Nannies

“I’ll inform you how I stability household and profession. Actual discuss? I’ve a nanny. That’s it. That’s the reply. Sure, it’s very unlikable and unpopular to broadcast that as a result of not everyone can afford a nanny, it’s super-expensive. Each me and my husband should hustle. We have now to work very arduous to not care for our baby ourselves. … Our nanny is 62 years outdated. I might by no means settle for something youthful than 62 years outdated. If you’re hiring a 25-year-old fairly younger factor to be your nanny, you a dumbass. Do you not learn Individuals journal?”

On Bodily Adjustments

“Individuals don’t inform you about all this shit that goes down along with your physique once you get pregnant, you recognize? Your nipples get enormous and darkish. I didn’t know that. I didn’t know that they get darkish in order that the newborn can see, like, a bull’s-eye. In order that the newborn can discover it simpler. After which, you recognize, they get large ― they get large, like fingers. Like, ‘You, you. You owe me cash, you.’ My nipples seem like Whoppers now, and bare, I seem like a Minion. However I’m not gonna be a type of loopy pregnant girls who tries to get all again in form proper after they get pregnant. No. Hopefully, when you see me in a yr, I’ll have the type of physique the place, if I do a nude scene on tv, folks will commend me for being brave. For doing it.”

On How Parenthood Adjustments Comedy

“It’s very uncommon and weird to see a feminine comedian carry out pregnant, as a result of feminine comics … don’t get pregnant. Simply attempt to think about one. I dare you. There’s ― none of them. As soon as they do get pregnant, they typically disappear. That’s not the case with male comics. As soon as they’ve a child, they’ll stand up on stage per week afterwards they usually’ll be like, ‘Guys, I simply had this fucking child. That child’s a bit piece of shit. It’s so annoying and boring.’ And all these different shitty dads within the viewers are, like, ‘That’s hilarious. I establish.’ And their fame simply swells as a result of they grow to be this relatable household humorous man rapidly. In the meantime, the mother is at dwelling, chapping her nipples, feeding the fucking child, and sporting a frozen diaper ’trigger her pussy must heal from the newborn’s head shredding it up. She’s busy.”

On Conceiving

“I don’t know what sort of mom I’m gonna be. I’m 33, and I did should get a bit little bit of science concerned when attempting to get pregnant. And loads of that … is more than likely my fault. As a result of, once I was in my 20s, I ate Plan B like skittles. So, my uterus in all probability regarded like a smoker’s lung. And I discovered that my progesterone ranges had been alarmingly low. So, then I needed to take these hormone tablets that had been suppositories, and Push Pop them up myself each single evening.”

On Staying At Dwelling

“I attempted being a stay-at-home mother, for eight weeks. I just like the stay-at-home half. Not too loopy concerning the mother facet, that shit is relentless. I used to be silly and naive, and I believed that being a stay-at-home mother was about chillaxing, attending to shit in your personal dwelling, watch Wendy Williams and exit to brunch along with your sassy girlfriends. I didn’t perceive that the entire value you must pay for staying at house is that you just’ve gotta be a mother. Oh, and that’s a job. It’s a wack-ass job. You get no 401(okay), no co-workers. You’re simply in solitary confinement all day lengthy with this human Tamagotchi … That don’t bought no reset button, so the stakes are extraordinarily excessive.”

On Miscarriage

“I’m very grateful to be pregnant and to be this far alongside, to be seven and a half months pregnant, as a result of, final yr, I had a miscarriage, which is quite common. And loads of ladies who’re of their 20s flip out once they hear that. They’re like, ‘Oh, my God. That’s so darkish and horrible. I can’t imagine that.’ I’m 33. Lady, once you’re 33, you’ll know loads of ladies who’ve had a miscarriage. It’s super-common, and I want extra ladies would speak about it in order that they wouldn’t really feel so unhealthy once they undergo it. After I advised my mother ― she’s from a third-world nation, and once I advised her I had one, she was like, ‘Uh, yeah. The place I’m from, that’s like shedding a pair of footwear. It’s whatevs, OK?’ And all the pieces occurs for a motive. I discovered at my six-week sonogram, which may be very early. And the physician says to me, ‘Oh, my God, I see two sacks, which implies you’re having twins.’ And I used to be like, ‘No!’ After which she mentioned, ‘However what I don’t see is a heartbeat.’ And I used to be like, ‘Sure! The Lord is mysterious!’ Don’t really feel unhealthy, OK? They had been the scale of poppy seeds. I’ve picked boogers bigger than the twins that I misplaced. And most ladies received’t let their husbands watch once they’re going by means of a miscarriage. I sat my husband down in entrance of me whereas I sat on the bathroom, and I used to be like, ‘You look. You watch the entire thing.’ And he felt so unhealthy for me. And I used it as leverage and held that shit over his head for a month and bought him to do regardless of the fuck I wished him to do for 30 days.”

On Maternity Depart

“In each different first-world nation ― Canada, France, Germany ― ladies stand up to 3 years of paid maternity go away. Within the U.S. we get jack shit. There’s zero federal coverage for maternity go away. Maternity go away is not only to bond with the newborn, fuck the newborn. Maternity go away is for brand new mothers to cover and heal their demolished-ass our bodies. I couldn’t return to work topless beating my moist titty attempting to ascertain dominance over my co-workers.”

On Stopping Nursing

“I needed to cease breastfeeding after eight and a half months. I couldn’t take it anymore. By the tip, I felt like ‘The Giving Tree.’ I used to not perceive what that depressing-ass e-book was about. And now I do know it’s about breastfeeding! It’s a couple of mother who used to have all of those stunning branches and apples, after which this little freeloader comes into her life, takes all of her shit, after which she simply turns into a sad-ass tree stump with deflated titties! Individuals saved on asking me, ‘Ali, how did you get so skinny after the newborn?’ She sucked the life outta me! Because it seems, breastfeeding isn’t free as a result of you must purchase all of those pillows and pumps to assist your breastfeeding, and you then would possibly get a clogged duct. That’s once you get like a visitors jam kidney stone in your titty, after which you must name a lactation guide. A lactation guide is a white NPR listener with dreadlocks, named Indigo, that you must pay $200 to hurry over to your own home and Roto-Rooter your titty. Indigo had me do pushups, dipping my titty out and in of a bowl of scalding scorching water, after which beat my titty like this within the interim.”

On Poop

“A toy Tamagotchi is extra communicative than a human child, OK? As a result of the toy will a minimum of inform you when it poos. With a human child, you simply should guess and examine your instinct by sniffing its ass … 26 instances a day. And you may’t telephone it in and sniff it from afar. You actually gotta flip the newborn over, plant your face within the child’s ass and provides it a great yoga inhale along with your mouth and all the pieces as a result of the within of your nostril has been singed from all of the poo-poo smelling.”

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